The Return Minimization
by SergeantFuzzyBoots
Summary: Howard returns from a work trip to a surprise. For the Halloween Challenge.


**This is for the Halloween Challenge happening at the forums on The Big Bang Theory site - thanks to phantagrae, for letting us at FanForum know! :) Rules are less than 5K in length, at least one character gets scared. So here it is.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

Howard's entrance into apartment 4A was met with a chorus of cheerful greetings from the rest of the group, Bernadette smiling as she followed her husband inside.

"Hey, Howard, welcome back," Leonard said before Raj was jumping forward to throw his arms around the engineer's neck.

While quite pleased with this reception, Howard tried to maintain a cool air. "I was only gone a week," he smirked, gently pushing Raj back.

"To Florida to be honoured for the work you did on the space station," the astrophysicist pointed out, beaming. "That's pretty incredible!"

"Yeah, okay, it's pretty cool!" Howard agreed, bouncing a little.

Sheldon snorted in derision. "Please. What's 'cool' is that Big Boy's finally removed that fifth onion ring from their small packs, as I've been hounding them to do so for years."

"Sheldon ..." Amy said warningly.

Shifting uncomfortably, the theoretical physicist cleared his throat before addressing the engineer. "Right. Howard, I would like to inform you that I'm very happy about the kind of recognition your work on the space station is receiving."

Howard offered the Texan a genuine smile. "Thank you, Sheldon."

"Just not as happy as I am about the onion rings," he quickly added in a mumble.

Penny rolled her eyes at Leonard who shook his head in response.

"So have you seen your mother yet?" Raj asked as Howard and Bernadette took up their usual places on the right of the couch.

"No, I'm visiting her tomorrow." A pleased, rather excited smile illuminated Howard's face as he spoke, one he tried to keep subtle, but failed miserably at.

Penny frowned. "What are you looking so happy about? Before you left, I heard you lying to your mother that you couldn't go shopping with her because you were getting a bikini wax." The blonde had been raising her fork to her mouth as she spoke, but thought better of it as the words sunk in and the ensuing mental images followed.

Howard merely rolled his eyes and shook his head. "Let's just say things are gonna be a little different when I see her tomorrow."

"How?" Amy asked.

"She wanted me to go shopping with her and _Stuart,_" he explained, the name rolling of his tone with unhidden venom. "Like she wanted me to tag along on some weird date of theirs." He allowed himself a moment to shudder. "But now," he continued, regaining his earlier confidence. "I've been gone for a week – being celebrated for ground-breaking work in science unlike some peddlers of picture books – and now Ma's gonna want her fill of her little boy back home safe and sound."

Most of the group stared as the engineer nodded his head proudly, Leonard eventually smirking. "They're so cute at this age when all they want is Mommy's attention." Howard's beam quickly faded as all except Bernadette burst out laughing.

"A little jealous there, disappointing child?"

That silenced the experimental physicist.

"Howie," Bernadette sighed.

"What?"

Another sigh. "I just don't want you to get your hopes up on this," she explained. "I mean, you're a grown man, and you were only gone for a week. It's not crazy to think that your mom got on just fine without you."

The engineer shook his head, unphased by his wife's words of warning. "She may have been fine with Stuart for a few months, but take me out of the equation for a week, she's all about her barmitzvah boy. Stuart's gonna be in for a bit of a shock tomorrow."

* * *

><p>Howard smiled to himself as he got out of the car, having just parked in his mother's driveway. It was satisfying to see that Stuart's car was nowhere in sight – the car Mrs. Wolowitz had bought him, the car that had, on numerous occasions, forced the engineer to park on the street. But things were different today.<p>

Doing a little skip to get up on the front porch, Howard enthusiastically rang the doorbell, listening for the sound of his mother's heavy steps. He frowned slightly when they didn't come. He rang again, but to the same lack of response. Well ... that was kind of odd. True, Howard had called before he left and gotten the answering machine, but he'd figured his mother had simply been too lazy to lift herself from the couch to answer it. Not coming to the door after persistent ringing was a little more out of character.

"Ma!" he called, banging on the door. "Open up! Your little star is home!"

Silence remained the only answer to the engineer's shouts. Shaking his head, Howard tried the handle to find it unlocked. Also, odd. If his mother was strict about anything, it was keeping the door locked, protecting her from sex criminals, burglars, or weight loss trainers – okay, the last one wasn't true, but it made Howard chuckle to think of it. It had probably been Stuart, the engineer thought with a roll of his eyes, being careless about his mother's well-being; and he claimed to care about her.

Stepping inside, Howard found the house quite dark; all of the lights were extinguished, and the drapes had been closed. And it was quiet, eerily so, the sounds of the television, his mother yelling at said television, or the sounds of her working away in the kitchen were vacant from the house. His frown deepening, Howard went to flick on the hall light, but found this action to be in vain, as the moving of the switch did nothing to illuminate the room. Was the power out? It would explain his mother's absence; with no cable to stimulate her mind, she'd probably high-tailed it to an ice cream bar – hopefully not with Stuart.

The engineer got only a step further before he stopped again, having trodden on something. Looking down, he found it to be a stack of mail, unopened and scattered across the front hall. Howard stooped to pick it up, eyes widening as he looked at it; it was a bill, dated a week ago. If nothing else about his entrance into the house had been a clue, the engineer could now see that something was seriously wrong. While lazy in most other aspects, his mother was good with her money, and never got behind on her bills. Whatever had kept her from paying them this long, it wasn't good.

He wasn't sure why he turned the envelope over his in his hands – perhaps it was simply out of nervous energy, or maybe he had it in his head that doing so would reveal that this was all a big misunderstanding. Neither of those were on the back of the letter, but what was there made him yelp. Written in a messy, black scrawl, over and over again was the phrase, _All work and no play makes Stuart a dull boy. All work and no play makes Stuart a dull boy. All work and no play makes Stuart a dull boy._

"Ma!" Howard screamed, dropping the letter and running towards the stair. His was getting hot and sweaty all over, his heart pounding into his chest. What the hell was going on?

"Howard?" His mother's shrill voice was a relief to her son's ears, propelling him up the stairs with desperate speed. Whatever was happening, she was alive. She was alive, and was going to be okay.

"Ma, I'm coming! Are you okay?" He jumped up the last two steps onto the landing before hurrying down the hall towards her bedroom.

"Howard! Bring me some food, I'm starving!"

This forced the engineer to pause for a moment, furrowing his brow. ... at least she wasn't hurt or in enough pain to not be hungry ... ? In any case, it didn't matter. Drawing in all his strength, he threw himself at the door, surprised when it easily gave way and allowed him inside.

The lights were on in his mother's room, but it still took Howard a moment to truly see what was sitting in her armchair. A skeleton, brown and decayed lay perfectly positioned in his mother's favourite spot, wearing one of her best dresses, dead hair clinging to the fabric. And then, though its lips didn't move, it spoke.

"You're a good boy, Howard," his mother whispered. "Such a good boy."

Howard screamed. Tears beginning to stream down his face, he fled from the room, nearly tumbling down the stairs in his haste to get away. He ran across the letter-strewn floor, and flung himself out the door, slightly blinded as he was met by the natural light of the son. Still shrieking, he ran to his car, cursing when he couldn't remove his keys from his tight pants pocket.

His struggle was met with laughter.

Head snapping up, Howard was surprised he didn't faint as he saw his mother and Stuart stumble giddily out of the now open garage, Mrs. Wolowitz with a microphone in her hand, both giggling uncontrollably.

"Trick or treat!" they shouted in unison, grinning broadly as the engineer simply stared, his moist eyes bugging out, face covered in perspiration.

He mouthed wordlessly for a long moment, his mouth dry. "That ... th – that was a _prank?!_" he stuttered, voice much higher than he would have liked it to be.

"Pretty awesome, right?" Stuart said, taking a moment to give Debbie a high-five. "It was all your mom's idea, after the Halloween movie marathon we had last weekend."

Howard could only stare, not even able to fully look at his mother. Well, this settled it. Bernadette had been right: when you return from a trip, you should expect "Welcome Home" sex, and nothing else. He'd learned his lesson.


End file.
